Making the decision to start working with a coach to improve yourself as a leader is a brave choice. Following up with your commitment is another crucial step in transforming yourself as a leader. Here’s a case study of a client’s difficulty to follow through on personal growth commitments. As you read the client email and my response, please consider what you would do.
I have a client who was ready to start our coaching program, but needed to postpone her first session to rush to her parents’ side after a home burglary. I received the following email from her after she returned from her family emergency:
Hello Lillian:
I am just getting back. Getting caught up with all of my e-mails and voice mail messages has been a task. I am still not completely caught up. We start our classes next week and I will begin my evening teaching schedule. I will have to return to sign off on the work in Texas once it is completed and therefore at this time I do not feel that I can adequately dedicate the time required. Additionally a few more responsibilities have been assigned with my current role as I am implementing two more programs. At this time, so that I don't feel so overwhelmed, I need to defer until a later date. I do have it on my list, just need to get a handle on some of the newly assigned duties.
This was my response:
I’m glad you’re back into the swing of things at work, and it sounds like your increasing responsibilities will be challenging you to grow, and that’s always a good thing. Also glad you did the right thing for your parents, and that the work is proceeding.
I do want to encourage you to consider two points:
First -- your life, with all these challenges, is the PERFECT laboratory to prepare you to grow into the leadership role of a college president. Postponing your commitment to your long-term growth until “the timing is right” usually translates into never. I’ve seen it happen way too many times, and it saddens me because I know what greatness is possible when a client follows through on their commitment to themselves.
Second -- there are two things at work here, and they compliment each other. In coaching jargon we call one “structural conflict”, and the other “creative tension”.
Structural conflict is when the outside forces (like your increased responsibilities, your parents’ needs, budgeting, etc.) get in the way of what you say you want…you face competing priorities, and somehow you put the more immediate needs before your own. They all feel like legitimate reasons , but there is a conflict.
Creative tension refers to the stress you feel when you know what you want (like being a college president) and the gap between where you are now and who you need to be to get there seems too uncomfortable. So, to stay in your comfort zone, you limit the creative actions and personal transformation you need to grow, and you reduce this creative tension. Or you might also begin to listen to those inner doubts (“I don’t have the time…the money…I’m too old…too busy…too stressed…whatever you’re telling yourself, etc.) to relieve creative tension. This keeps the creative tension alive and well, restricting forward movement.
I took this time to respond because I care so deeply. That’s why I do this work – I know what is possible, what actually happens, when people make the commitment to themselves, with courage, willingness and self-love. And one of the greatest frustrations of my work is that I can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to do, or do it sooner than later.
So, before I rest my case, I want to remind you of what we are going to undertake, when you’re ready (and that’s why I’m writing you this letter).
At this point I inserted the purpose of our coaching…and as I share this with you, I’m waiting for her response. Whatever she chooses will enhance her success, or slow it down. And my job is to support that, with love and acceptance. I, too, must do the best I can, and that’s all.
If you were in this situation seeking to grow as a leader, what would YOU do???
Hi Lilian,
It was great to hear from you, I always look forward to your missives.
Well, what would I do - Having had my own business, although small compared to many, I would have done exactly the same as your 'client'.
Life is what we make it, whether we reach our goals with help, from someone as yourself, or by following our instincts.
It is obvious that your client wants to improve his / her self. They will if they have the commitment, but it will take them a little longer, they do not need more pressure to reach their goal, they can do it safely, slowly and with confidence.
Family is a very important part of your life. We are in France once again. Here they have 2 hour lunch breaks. Shops and businesses are closed between 12 and 2.00. Shops do not open on a Sunday, its a day to get together with friends and family. How many of us in UK and USA eat our lunch ' on the go '. dash to the gym, shops etc on a Sunday.
We all need to grow, thats for sure, we all need to reach our potential and realise our dreams, but as life is so short should it be to the detriment of our everyday life. Surely just being ourselves we are living the dream.
I may not be as eloquent as some, but life is for living, its too short to worry about what might have been. Be true to yourself and love and appreciate those close to you, if you really want it you will get it in the end.
On a lighter note, Ben and family are no longer in New York, we are quite pleased as on our last few visits we found peoples attitudes had changed. The pace of life was too fast and many were quite rude. Our grandchildren were not benefitting from their schooling and we were horrified by the way they spoke to adults. They now live in Singapore. We have yet to visit them there but they have settled in well and are enjoying the 'ex pat' life. Lola and Luca are thriving at their new schools.
Allan and I never fulfilled our dream by moving to and living in France permanently, but the pull of family in the Uk keeps us there. We are blessed that we are included in so much of their lives. Also that Ben, although far away keeps in touch daily. Life is good and we wouldn't give up the joy our grandchildren bring us by moving away. It would be selfish of us.
I hope I haven't rambled on too much and hope to hear from you in the future.
Take care, Ann. ps Allan sends his love x